Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews: Nightwish’s ‘Century Child’

I’m the first to admit that I’m a massive Nightwish fan girl. One of the biggest you’ll ever meet, probably. I love them. I love them so much it’s a bit embarassing, to be honest. I think it’s fair to say that everyone feels this way about a band or an artist, whatever type of music you like. It happens. It’s the cold, clammy nature of fandom, right? When I first started this series I made the decision to write about my favouritest band very early on for the sake of my own sanity. It was just one of those things that had to be done. I am nothing if not a devoted nerd.

Before I get into the actual review portion of this post, allow me to present to you some HISTORY!

Nightwish are a Finnish Symphonic Metal group that have been on the alternative scene for well over a decade now. The band was begun in 1996 by Keyboardist, composer and songwriter Tuomas Holopainen, guiatarist Emmpu Vuorinen and then-vocalist Tarja Turunen. Along with bassist Sami Vanska and drummer Jukka Nevalainen, they released their debut album ‘Angels Fall First’, and enjoyed moderate success in their own country for a while. It wasn’t until the release of their second album, ‘Oceanborn’, that the band started to take off on an international level.

After the release of ‘Wishmaster’, Vanska was later replaced with Bassist and vocalist Marco Hietala, who has one of the most excellent beards you’ll ever see in your life. Don’t believe me? Observe.

True glory. Don’t deny it, because you can’t.

Marco joining the band allowed for the introduction of gruff, manly vocals to complement Tarja’s grandeur style, as well as moving forward significantly in their overall style with ‘Century Child’ and ‘Once’. By this point, Nightwish were officially (and justifiably) huge.Then came the biggest change for the band. In 2005, Tarja Turunen was fired by letter after their world tour, following concerns about the influence Tarja’s husband (and manager) was having on her behaviour and attitude towards the band. She was subsequently replaced by swedish Anette Olzen in 2007, when they released ‘Dark Passion Play’. That was a bit of a messy break up as far as I’m concerned. It was an act made very public and, unsurprisingly, split fans right down the middle. I admit, I was absolutely heartbroken when Tarja was dismissed. Not because she was my favourite member (she wasn’t), but because I was afraid of what her absence would do to the band as a whole. Were they going to break up or find a new singer? If they found a new singer, how was she going to compare to Tarja? Tarja is a classically trained singer for God’s sake, her soprano vocals were a core aspect of the music the band was producing. How were they ever going to top that?

For some, there was no way. A lot of Nightwish fans rejected Anette as the new singer, which bother me a little. Actually, no, scratch that, it bothered me a lot. Like, to the point of hulk-smash rage it bothered me. I mean, I can understand if you just don’t like her vocal style, that’s a completely fair criticism, but a lot of people decided to hate for the simple fact that she isn’t Tarja. I really can’t stand that sort of attitude. If you’re going to judge her, judge her on her abilities as a singer, don’t get all pissy because change happened and you fear change. Bands can’t always stay the same, and sometimes change is for the better. Marco joining the band was one of the best things to happen to them musically, so there was no real reason that a new vocalist couldn’t work either. These people didn’t really come off as real Nightwish fans. They were Tarja fans, pure and simple. The fact of the matter is, the rest of the band weren’t happy with her behaviour, and while the could have handled it better I support their decision. I’d rather they made the necessary changes in order to grow rather than pandering to the demands of whiny fans that aren’t really fans at all. Tarja wasn’t Nightwish, just a part of it, and it bothers me when people forget that.

For me, the music was the most important. Tarja’s an excellent singer and there was something to be said about the combination of operatic vocals with heavy metal and bombastic orchestrations, but Anette is great in her own way. Her voice isn’t as strong or in your face, but she has excellent range and a lot of style and attitude. She really came into her own on the band’s most recent album, Imaginaerum (which is also going to be a film and oh my god guys I’m so excited I kinda wanna throw up), and she’s proved herself to be a more than worthy addition to the group. She comes across as a sweet, down to earth sort of gal, and her vocal style allows for a better balance between her and Marco. It seems to be more about the music now, which I approve of. With her, Nightwish feel more like an actual band, rather the ‘Tarja Turunen plus four’ thing that was becoming more and more prevalent in the band’s later years. A band should be a band; no one wants to end up like the current day Guns n Roses do they?

Right, history/rant over. I admit that I was a little bit tempted to review Nightwish’s entire discography, but this is obviously an incredibly foolish idea and I’m not mad enough to do it. Best to keep it short and sweet (fnar), for your sake and mine. So, ladies and gents, this is ‘Century Child,’ Nightwish’s fourth studio album from the Tarja era.

Track List

1.Bless the Child

2. End of All Hope

3. Dead to the World

4. Ever Dream

5. Slaying the Dreamer

6.  Forever Yours

7. Ocean Soul

8. Feel For You

9. The Phantom of the Opera

10. Beauty of the Beast

I chose this album for two specific reasons. The first is for the same reason I reviewed Gloom Clookie, in that Century Child is the first Nightwish album I ever bought, back when I was an awkward teenager with no idea what I was doing when it came to music. I didn’t start listening to alternative stuff until I was around 14 years old, and before that I’d only been partially aware of what was popular. I liked some of it, but what I didn’t realise was that I’d actually been gravitating towards rock and metal long before I discovered that I genuinely liked it. I had a few of those ‘Now That’s What I Call Music Volume whatever’  albums for the simple reason that it seemed easier than actually going out and buying proper music. This was when a few actual bands would make it on to the list, like Blood Hound Gang and The Dandy Warhols, but it was mostly shitty sugary pop nonesense. Like I said, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I was terrified of buying the wrong thing and being ridiculed even more than I already was for the crime of just existing (not that I’m bitter or anything). So, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, this album played a big part in me becoming who I am today. It’s pretty damn important to me as a piece of work. I actually wore out the cd from too many listens. It’s completely unplayable now, much to my chagrin. You should see the scratches on that thing. Sadness.

The second reason I chose this particular album because, while not necessarily my favourite (it changes all time), it’s easily one of the most complete albums out of their entire discography, which makes sense given that there’s an overriding theme throughout. It’s not a concept album specifically, but there are certain ideas that keep cropping up all the way through. In this case, it’s the theme of innocence and its fragility.  Musically, this album was a huge step in the right direction for the band, the first with Marco as bassist and vocalist, as you might recall. It paved the way for much more confident, over-the-top  gothic gloriousness and for that I thank it every day.

This won’t be a track-by-track review, because not only would that take too long, but I don’t really like writing very specific reviews like that. I find that they tend to get repetitive pretty damn quick, and I’d rather just provide a general overview so as not to ruin it for any potential new fans. In this case, it’s more about the overall feel of the album and how well it works as a whole. The actual review itself won’t even be that long, but There will be a brief breakdown of best, worst, and personal favourite songs at the end, so don’t panic.

First things first,Century Child feels big. It’s the only real way I can think to describe it. When you listen to it, you feel like you’re being taken somewhere, like you wandered into a hardcore Narnia (which I want to see soon, Hollywood) and it’s your job to save the world with magic and swords and…lightning bolts and shit.

Like this, but better.

It’s clear to anyone, even if you’re not a fan of the band’s music, that Tuomas Holopainen is a fantastically talented individual. He writes and arranges almost everything the band does, and he clearly puts a lot of himself into the songs he writes. I appreciate that the music he puts out is incredibly personal, and an extension of himself and who he is; it makes for a more emotional, cerebral experience. It’s clear that he’s heavily inspired by movie soundtracks, fantasy, the kind of things that makes us nerds moist in the nether regions. He’s also a great believer in using classical instruments and elaborate, impressive orchestrations in order to turn the epic up to eleven, and I. Absolutely. Fucking. Love. It. I’m a huge sucker for big, over-the-top pieces that allude to things too awesome for the human mind can conceive. Movie soundtracks, good ones anyway, are especially good at getting the blood pumping in your veins, so it makes complete sense here. That said, the band didn’t really kick into this style with music until after this album. Century Child is a lot more experimental in that respect, a little more prog-rock in sound than straight up symphonic metal, much more synth and keyboard than usual. Really, it doesn’t sounds like much of the rest of their music at all, but it’s a good thing. It’s easy for bands to try new things and fall flat on their faces, especially when it comes to alternative music, but Century Child succeeds in trying something new whist still feeling like a Nightwish album. It’s good. It works.

Right at the start of this post, I said that this was an album that explored the nature of innocence and its fragility. It’s a theme that keeps coming up in Holopainen’s work, and something that clearly interests him. He laments the loss of his own innocence and uses music as a method to come to terms with that. The album is packed with lamentation and sadness, that reflective sort of sadness you feel when you look back on something you miss, or you regret. Holopainen understands that great and terrible things come with growing up – romance, heartbreak, ambition – but clings to his childhood in the hopes of preserving that unique look on life that only children have. They see things in a way that we forget with puberty, and Century Child is like one long love-letter to that forgotten time. I have to commend its honesty in that respect. It’s a fairly big concept to work with, and more than most could ever dream of pulling off. It really makes a difference when there’s genuine care and heart poured into a piece of work like it is here.

Musically, it’s interesting. That’s not a euphemism for bad, either, I mean that it’s legitimately interesting. This was the first album I ever heard that seemed entirely different to everything else I’d heard, and for while I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted more. I wanted to be able to figure everything out. I had no idea that a handful of instruments could make something as big as the thing I was listening to. There are constant references to incomprehensible concepts, like heaven and hill, death and hatred, eternal love, big things. I love ambitious music. Music should try to reach some part of you, otherwise there’s no point. It doesn’t matter what part of you it reaches, it could just make you laugh or whatever, but it would still be an achievement. Century Child does its best to reach out and touch you; it;s intricate, elaborate and running high on emotion.

And now, on to the overview.

Best Song

This was a difficult choice, but it’s the last song on Century Child that stands out as the best. Beauty of the Beast is about ten minutes long (not Nightwish’s longest song by any means), and breaks down into three parts. They want on to do this again in Dark Passion Play and Imaginaerum, and I fucking love it when they do songs like this. There’s a fairly simple reason that Beauty of the Beast earned the prestigious title of best song: it’s broad. This isn’t like Master of Puppets, which seems to go on forever and ever and ever without ever really doing very much. The song constantly shifts in style and mood, and it never, ever gets boring. It naturally flows from slow and mournful to epic and exciting, and I could listen to it all day. The lyrics, too, are pure poetry. Holopainen often writes in a fairly hyperbolic way, conveying big emotions in the biggest w and it shows the most here. This is a song about loss, death, faith, creativity, the whole shebang. If melodrama were musical, this would be it, and it’s awesome.

Worst Song

As far as I’m concerned, there’s no song that can be described as ‘worst’ on this album, but there is one that doesn’t quite work alongside the other tracks. It’s a perfectly good song, it’s just not as good as the others. I chose Forever Yours as worst song for the simple reason that it’s just a little too slow and a little too contemplative to gel with the rest of the album. I actually like it and will happily listen to it every time I stick the album on, but it just doesn’t match up to the grander, sweeping efforts of Ocean Soul or End of All Hope. It’s a melancholy song about heartbreak, something we can all relate too naturally, but again, it just doesn’t fit into the album so well. It’s a shame, really, but one song must always be the weakest, no matter how great an album might be overall.

Personal Favourite

Being a fan girl is hard sometimes, especially when you have to make concrete decisions about things you love more than you love being alive. I really struggled to pick a favourite song from this album, and I was eventually able to whittle down to two choices. The first is Slaying the Dreamer, just because it’s bad ass and fuckin’ metal. The second is Feel For You. There’s nothing really about this song that particularly stands out from the rest on this album, but it speaks to me in a very specific way. Have you ever had a certain piece of music really spark your imagination? That’s what Feel For You does to me. It’s the kind of song that helps me drift away for a few minutes, where I can dream about fantastic things. Feel For You tops Slaying the Dreamer in that respect, and I think I appreciate it more for that exact reason, so I will confirm it as my personal favourite. Hurrah!

Well, there we are. I think I’ve said pretty much everything that can be said about this album without being too repetitive or boring (either that or you all clicked away from sheer disgust about 6 paragraphs ago. I wouldn’t blame you if you did). In a nutshell, Century Child is an epic, musically accomplished piece of work that would be an excellent jump-off point for anyone wanting to give Nightwish a try but aren’t sure where to start. Check it out, you won’t regret it. Hell, we’re living in the age of the internet, just get your asses to Youtube and find one of their songs. I hope they’ll bring you as much joy to you as they have to me.

Next time will be a video game, I think. It seems the right time for a video game review don’t you agree?

So, what’s your favourite album? Feel free to let me know in the comments.

Until next time, kiddies.

Thingtoocoolforyou

Thingtoocoolforyou Reads Fifty Shades of Grey – Chapter 1

In which we learn that our protagonist is a horrible, incompetent blonde-hater and that the Twilight parallels makes it difficult for your narrator to get the character’s names right.

 

 

Thingtoocoolforyou reads ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – Before the horror

I have no idea what I’m getting myself into. Remember me as a literate person.

Schedule Change

Ok, so it’s become glaringly evident that I won’t be able to pull of a review once every week. Hell, I’ve already failed at that twice and there’s only one review available (because of science).

Not only that, but there are other, non-review related subjects I’d like to be able to cover in this blog, which a tight schedule such as mine will simply not allow in its current form. So, from henceforth, Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews will be a bi-weekly event instead. This way, I ‘ll be able to manage my time more effectively as well as write about other, more pressing topics. I’m sorry to have to back down so quickly, but I have every intention with continuing the endeavour. I love writing, and I want to give you guys the best I’ve got. For that, I just need a little more time.

Thank you all for your understanding, and I’ll see you cats next time.

Thingtoocoolforyou

Video: Legalising Gay Marriage Isn’t Special Treatment

What are your thoughts on the subject?

About Thingtoocoolforyou

Finally starting to get to grips with this thing.

 

About Thingtoocoolforyou.

Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews – Gloom Cookie

So last week I was all set to write this here review as promised, but because my body (and the gods, probably) hates me I ended up falling ill with some mysterious ‘feeling of general shitness’ which later evolved into a somewhat anticlimactic cold. I dragged myself from my bed to start working on this post, but it was pretty clear that I wasn’t going to get it done until the fog had cleared. I sincerely hope you can forgive this appalling transgression on my part and enjoy the first edition of Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews.

It seemed fitting that, as a first edition, we should talk about one of the very first graphic novels I ever read, when I was still a partially formed nerd with little to no experience of gothic culture. Because actually, it was this graphic novel that got something working in my head. It was this comic that made something click inside, that made me see the kind of person I’d wanted to be all throughout my awkward and terrible puberty, which will never be spoken of again.

I’ve decided that in order for this review to work it needs to be divided in order of story, characters, art, and general overview. Trust me, this is the only why I can actually tackle this thing effectively without rambling and losing track. I never realised just what a pain it is to review graphic novels until now and I have a newfound respect for those that do it on a regular basis. If any such people are reading this right now, I am saluting you from my laptop with a proud smile upon my face.

My darklings (yes, this is a term used in the book so it’s not cheesy or anything), this is Gloom Cookie, by Serena Valentino.

STORY AND CHARACTERS

Gloom Cookie is best described as a gothic soap opera with a whole bunch of fairy tale elements thrown in for good measure. It follows a group of happy-go-lucky goths (trust me, they exist) and their adventures in a world running high on melodrama, romance and angst so thick you could eat it with a spoon. When I first started reading this dark little tome, there were only three volumes in circulation, and on reflection it probably should have stayed that way, but we’ll get to why later. As you can see from the title, this is about those first three volumes, but I will take a little time to discuss why everything went so Star Wars Episode I with volumes 4 and 5, because it was wrong and terrible and broke my little heart into a thousand irreparable pieces and I can’t justifiably ignore why they suck with any good conscience.

But first, characters. Volume 1 introduces to us to the majority of our dramatis personae, which will be presented to you in the style of a Shakespeare play because I can and shut up:

Cast

Lex, a diminutive beauty cursed by the wicked Isabella.

Max, an lovelorn idiot who spurns Lex’s affections for someone who clearly hates his guts.

  Isabella, a heinous bitch with a deep, dark secret.

Sebastian, a young man with a monster living under his bed.

The Monster, a creature that enjoys eating Sebastian’s girlfriends

Chrys, a wax doll brought to life by Sebastian.

Lindy, the butt monkey of the group who doesn’t really affect the plot.

Vermillion, stalker of Lex and a terrible, terrible goth poet (real name Herbert).

Damion, a dapper gentleman with a deep, dark secret.

Lord Delchi, a better poet than Vermillion in every conceivable way.

Vincent, Vincent Price lookalike and owner of the Carnival Macabre, father to Sebastian.

Angelique, a fortune-teller who works at the carnival.

Lucy, Sebastian’s Mother.

Sarah, a girl from another dimension. Eaten by Sebastian’s monster in this world, working at a night club in the other.

Artemis, a bitchin’ ass werewolf in love with Isabella.

Aunt Bulah Violet, Lex’s spirit guide and gothic Yoda.

Octavio, a spooky voodoo man.

That’s a fairly eccentric and colourful cast, no? And these are only the characters in volumes 1 through 3. This is precisely what I mean when I describe this comic as being like a soap-opera. There’s a plethora of characters to follow and keep up with, and luckily Valentino knows exactly which characters need the main focus of the reader. Many of the characters listed above are the support, though most of them do actually get fleshed out, which is impressive given the constraints of the medium and the complexities of the story. The core characters are Lex, Damien, Sebastian, Chrys and Isabella. The driving plots of the first three volumes are specifically about them and their experiences, but all the supporting characters are surprisingly important and help to drive things along nicely.

Here’s a potted version of the story, which was way more complicated than it had any right to be, by the way, so I hope you appreciate it.

Something is rotten in the gothic community of San Francisco. Lex, Sebastian and Chrys all have some serious problems to deal with, most of which are pretty out of the ordinary. Lex is in love with Damion, an eternal creature, but they can never be together. Isabella, Damion’s fellow immortal and vengeful former lover, placed a curse on Lex thousands of years ago out of spite and jealousy. Now every time Damion seeks out his mortal love, she is doomed to die and be reborn again in an endless cycle. If Isabella were to stop loving Damion, the curse would be broken, but she is unable to let go of her anger, or the man who rejected her countless lifetimes ago.

Meanwhile, Sebastian’s not only got a monster under his bed with a penchant for eating his girlfriends, but his current squeeze, Chrys, is a wax doll he brought to life with a single wish. He doesn’t really understand much about anything in his life, except that he’s been dreaming of a carnival, run by a man who looks like Vincent Price, and this somehow holds to key to his past and future, as well as his strange powers.

And Chrys. Chrys doesn’t even know who she is. All she remembers of her life is her relationship with Sebastian, and is quickly realising just how much that relationship defines her. Not only that, but she’s about to learn that being a living doll has granted her certain powers of her own.

There’s the basic conflicts and major story arcs put as simply as possible, and really it all sounds a bit absurd, doesn’t it? Really though, it’s not. Valentino’s canny understanding of goth culture means she is effectively creates a world in which gargoyle monsters and magic powers makes complete sense. As I said before, Gloom Cookie is, at its heart, a dark fairy tale crossed with Passions, the demented US soap that famously featured mermaids as part of a major storyline. This makes it completely unlike anything you’re likely to read in your life, and for that it should, nay, must be celebrated. It’s like looking at the real world through a dark mirror; everything seems about right, but it’s just a little bit off centre. There are plenty of cute little prods at popular culture in Valentino’s universe that are pretty hard not to enjoy. There’s a one-shot story in the first volume about Max going on a date with a girl he met on the internet. In this story, which has no dialogue, we see various posters advertising for the films of Bim Bourbon, the adorable Pukachu, and the music of Icky Martin and the Spice Sluts. Immature and very silly, but a nice touch none the less. Again, it shows you that this is the real world, but only kinda sorta not really.

The characters are likeable and relatable despite the alternative angle the story takes. The fact that they’re goth doesn’t mean they’re dark and depressing, just like most goths aren’t. Lex is a naive romantic, Chrys is sassy and fun, Damion is brooding and passionate, Sebastian is sweet and gentle, and Isabella is a villain who’s really just misunderstood. This is a diverse bunch of personalities that blend well together. It’s always nice to see a portrayal of alternative life like this. It shows that being alternative doesn’t mean you can’t be happy, or just like anyone else.

There’s a pleasant smattering of light-hearted humour throughout the first book especially, mostly coming from Vermillion, the resident comic relief. I absolutely love Vermillion. He’s a super-rich, frustrated drama queenfact that thinks himself an artist. The problem is that his poetry is absolutely terrible. He becomes obsessed with Lex after a disastrous first date, but thankfully his creepy stalker behaviour is beyond inept. If you want an example, he attempts to make Lex his ‘vampire bride’ during a game of Nosferatu (which is in no way similar to Vampire: The Masquerade, just so we’re clear).  It’s hilarously depressing in way, watching this unfortunate young man descend into madness the way he does. But really, it’s his own fault for not being able to take a hint. And boy, is this guy a master at not taking a hint. He could present seminars on the subject.

That’s not to say Gloom Cookie is amazing or perfect, in fact it’s incredibly flawed. Valentino can tell a cracking story when she wants, but her writing style has a tendency to be overly simplistic at times. You get the feeling that her imagination goes way beyond the limits of her abilities as a writer. She has her strong points; with certain characters she excels in their idiomatic speech patterns. For example, Lex has a habit of referring to things in her world as ‘oogie’ and ‘squishy’, meaning bad and lovely respectively, and this will either charm you or piss you right the fuck off. I personally found it to be pretty endearing, but Lex is essentially Valentino herself which would explain how she writes the character with such comfort. It’s a bit ‘self-insert fan fiction’, sure, but we’re not exactly talking Bella Swan levels of characterisation here. Lex actually has a personality deeper than a puddle. The Monster has a very sophisticated way of speaking, completely eloquent and intelligent. He’s actually better spoken than the majority of the cast. I love stark contrasts like this and it’s a nice touch on Valentino’s part, successfully playing around with certain conventions to excellent effect. Other characters, basically the ones Valentino has less investment in, fare less well. Sometimes their speech comes off as unnatural and weird, with a lot of characters using full forms instead of the more likely contractions. It actually doesn’t read all that well when a character says ‘I am going out for a while’ when they could (and let’s face it, probably would) say ‘I’m going out for a while.’ It might be a weird little nitpick, but it does affect the credibility of the dialogue. People just don’t talk like that.

Not only that, but on re-reading these books I’ve noticed quite a few spelling errors and odd typos scattered throughout. This I’m willing to forgive, especially in the first volume, as it was originally published in small circulation on crappy photocopies,  but the grammar nazi in me can’t help but feel a little disappointed.

ART

What’s the point in reviewing a graphic novel without discussing the artwork? The artist’s work on a comic is absolutely integral to its success, especially when being sold on print. Now, Gloom Cookie is first and foremost a goth comic, so it’s crucial that the art reflects that concisely and with effect. Luckily, the book got off to a flying start with its first artist, and co-creator, Ted Naifeh. The characters of Gloom Cookie are so distinctive and recognisable thanks to Naifeh’s work with Valentino; without him we wouldn’t have Lex’s doe eyes and raven bob that curls under just right, or Isabella’s hairhorns and painful-looking corsets. We wouldn’t have Damien’s long coats and foppish ringlets. We wouldn’t have the Monster looking threatening and cuddly at the same time We wouldn’t have the dark, edgy fairy tale landscapes or the moody lighting to offset the perky tone. He did it all and more (lol obvious Charles Dickens reference lol). His style, as you can see on your left, is full of sharp lines and stark inks, creating bold and otherworldly imagery. It’s the sort of art you might find in the notebook of a misunderstood teenager, surrounded by snippets of awful ‘woe is me’ poetry, which is exactly the point. Gloom Cookie, when it first began, was a gothic comic that also worked as an affectionate parody, poking fun at the absurdities of goth culture as well as celebrating it, and Naifeh’s art represents that perfectly.

As far as I’m concerned, Gloom Cookie would have been much less immersive and enjoyable had it not been for Naifeh’s work…it’s just a pity that he set the bar a little too high for following artists. His style is so uniquely perfect and so intrinsically gothic that I still feel a little pang of sadness when I’m re-reading them, because I know that volume 2 was drawn by John Gebbia, and John Gebbia absolutely fails to recapture any of the magic Naifeh had.

Now, I understand that it must be hard having to take on a project with an already established style, especially when it’s as distinctive as Naifeh’s, but what’s important is that the artist taking the new mantle is confident enough in their own art to take on that style and make it their own. Gebbia’s problem was that he tried too hard to emulate Naifeh. It clearly wasn’t a style he was all that comfortable with or even accustomed to, and later on the artwork takes a turn for the lazy. Lex suffers the most under his work. Naifeh’s Lex was a wasp-waisted, large-headed beauty (which somehow works, don’t ask me how). Gebbia’s Lex became a squat, bland looking rent-a-goth in the same black dress. She’s ostensibly the main character of the series, so this is unforgivable.

 Basically, when his art isn’t outright crappy, it feels like looking at Naifeh’s work when very, very drunk. Everyone looks basically right, but there’s something just a little bit off about it all and you can’t quite put your finger on it.

I know I’m being a bit harsh on the guy. I’m just bitter, I suppose. Gebbia isn’t a bad artist, in fact some of his original characters and original sketches are actually pretty good. But to me, he wasn’t suited to Gloom Cookie at all.

Breehn Burns took over the art for volume three, comparatively shorter than the other two volumes and definitely the most ‘comic booky’ of all. I actually liked Burns’ art a lot. It was much cleaner and classier than Gebbia’s work, and was able to do a few clever things with the composition not previously seen before. Granted, his use of inking could get a bit lazy at times, throwing in this monochromatic thing that just seems a bit cheap to look at, but it was still a massive step up and gave the series a much needed shot in the arm. Burns’ strongest abilities as an artist was channeling the melodrama that drove the story. He can draw a damsel in distress or a curse-breaking kiss with the best of them.

Overall, the art for the first three volumes was strong most of the time, but there were a few missteps that rather affected the tone and style of the story.

VOLUMES 4 & 5 

I’m just going to say this right now: Gloom Cookie should have ended with volume 3. There’s a fairly simple reason that this should have happened: the story was done. Valentino wrapped up all the necessary plot points by the end of volume 3. Isabella finally lets go of Damion, finding new love with the werewolf Artemis, and the curse on Lex is broken. There’s a slight glitch in that Lex is killed before that happens, but Sebastian is able to bring her back to life. She has no reflection, which is admittedly a problem, but she’s alive and finally free to be with Damion. Sebastian’s starting to understand his powers, and it seemed like a natural place to end the story, right? RIGHT?

For reasons I will never, ever be able to fathom, Valentino decided to continue. Problem was, she needed a new major conflict. Our star-crossed lovers aren’t really so star-crossed anymore, so where else can she take them? I’ll tell you where: into The Carnival Wars and The Final Curtain, where everything became annoying and sad and infinitely broken.

The Carnival Wars, as you might have guessed, a rival carnival that rocks into town to fuck shit up big style. The Carnival de Morte, run by the amazingly evil Marguerite, sees Lex, Damion and Chrys are promptly kidnapped and put on display in their gallery of horrors, and it’s up to Sebastian and the Monster to save the day, buddy comedy style. Shenanigans ahoy!

It’s not a bad story, but it’s such a letdown after the emotional payoff of the last book. Everything just moves along at a breakneck speed; there’s no time to absorb or understand what’s going on. There’s a rival carnival and it’s ruining everything. That’s it. There’s no real drama here, just a superficial action story with a bit of gothic stuff randomly thrown in. It was nice to see Sebastian getting some more focus, but the only conflict he has is that his powers might be a bit too much for him. It’s not particularly fascinating or compelling, because we already knew this from previous volumes. Plus Sebastian’s powers have become somewhat of a Deus Ex Machina at this point. He can pretty much do whatever he wants for the sake of plot convenience, which is beyond lazy in terms of writing and story telling. It was much more interesting when he didn’t really understand what he was capable of because his past had been kept from him for so long. There’s a great story in volume 2 when Sebastian finds himself entering different realities whenever he gets on a certain bus: in one reality he’s with Lex and Chrys is his sister, in another he’s with Isabella and Lex is with Vermillion (true horror knows no bounds), and in another Chrys doesn’t exist at all. It’s very It’s a Wonderful Life, and it helps him to realise that no matter how messed up his current reality is, it’s the one he wants. It also sheds some light onto whether everything we’re seeing is completely true or if it’s just a construct of Sebastian’s confused little mind. That’s much more interesting than ’I can just wish for anything, ain’t that spiffy?’

We’re introduced to a new character in this volume as well: Moon Raven, who’s basically a female Vermillion. In fact, her whole purpose is to give Vermillion a taste of his own stalker medicine. Watching the two of them interact is a nice aside and, really, pretty damn funny. She’s a frustrating character, but that’s her point. She’s a spoiled, melodramatic super-goth that’s managed to delude herself into thinking she’s way more important than she is. It’s a lot of fun to read.

The art for volume 4 comes courtesy of Harley Sparx, the first and only female artist to draw for the series. Her artwork is simply excellent, which is a shame really because it’s too good for the less than stellar storyline. Don’t get me wrong, she’s brilliant. Her line work is sharp, reminiscent of Ted Naifeh’s work, and her use of ink and shading is fantastic. The characters look fantastic, with wonderfully expressive faces and a gorgeous clothing designs. Her art on the monster and Chrys’ werewolf form (don’t ask, it’s complicated) are fucking ace. It’s to Sparx’s credit that she inject some much-needed epic into this lacklustre volume. I have no problems with her as an artist, she’s a-ok as far as I’m concerned, I just wish she’d been around to do the art for volume 2. God, that would have been so sweet.

But despite all this, The Final Curtain is the worst offender. I hate it. I hate it with the burning intensity of a thousand angry, burning suns. This is a book that makes me feel things that only two warring dinosaurs can effectively convey. Take it away, dinosaurs.

Thank you very much, dinosaurs.

You wanna know what happens in this book? I’ll tell you what happens in this book. Character retcon. That’s what happens in this accursed bloody book. Every character completely flips their shit and suddenly no one’s acting the way they should be. Damion becomes a possessive dick completely out of nowhere, and suddenly Lex and Sebastian are like totally in love and stuff and Chrys just gets pushed off to the side because, according to Sebastian, ’she’s never had her own life and I feel bad for stringing her along.’ I mean, really. This is what counts for an explanation in this volume.

 I absolutely, emphatically, completely despise 100% of everything that exists in the pagers of volume 5. It’s like Valentino just decided that she’d had enough of this story and so set out to break the hearts of her devoted readers. I loved Damion, he was easily one of my favourite characters, so to see him being treated like dirt made me venture into ‘Hulk Smash’ territory big time. It was a huge insult to Valentino’s fan base’s intelligence that is nothing short of shameful. We’ve watched this couple struggle against the odds to be together, suffering for thousands of years and countless lifetimes, only to have Lex decide she’d rather be with someone else at the last minute. What in the ever living Hell is this? This, ladies and gentlemen, has completely defeated the purpose and drive of the previous volumes and there isn’t enough rage in the universe to convey my frustration and misery at this.

Good writing should produce characters that think for themselves and act as naturally as possible within the constraints of their personalities. Growth and development is good and should happen, but it should seem right. It should seem like something that would happen, that the characters would do. This retcon was so sudden I nearly broke my damn neck trying to adjust. It was Valentino forcing her characters into new bullshit conflicts and I hate it so much it makes me want to puke in my mouth. You could argue that everything went this way because Sebastian willed it so, which I suppose would make sense, but I refuse to accept this. If that’s true, it’s a massive cop-out. That’s the sort of thing a teenager would do in order to ship two Harry Potter characters in their rubbish fan fiction. It’s not as bad as ‘My Immortal’, obviously, but it’s not far off. We’re five volumes into this series and I EXPECT BETTER!

The art was done by Vincent Batignole. It’s…ok. The characters look fine (except for Damion. Just…urgh) but the guy seems allergic to drawing backgrounds. I don’t have much time for lazy artwork, to be honest. I want to see the world. All of it, not just the characters and what they’re up to. He’s not really fantastic at that either. All through the book, not a single character is drawn facing the reader. It’s all left and right angles and it really shows his limitations. Although I will give him credit for showing us what the monster would look like a human. I’ll give you a hint: he looks awesome. Other than that I can’t really say all that much about his work. Like I said, it’s ok, but nothing spectacular.

Overview

Gloom Cookie is a series that started out strong, but its fall from grace was tremendous, which fills me with all the sadness ever in the world. This was a series with so much potential. It was a world with little to no limits, likeable characters and a unique set of conflicts. Volumes 1-3 are the sort of books you’ll want to devour in one sitting, and usually will. It’s hard not to get swept up in the romance, the humour and the wonderfully gothic aesthetic, it’s just such a shame that it went downhill as quick as it did. The massive character shift in volume 5 is simply unforgivable, and Valentino’s managed to do her own series an incredible disservice by treating her readers like low functioning morons. She should have known when to quit, and that was when the curse was broken. Considering the fact that this began as a sweet, dark little fairy tale, we certainly didn’t get the happy ending we deserved.

Well, this review has gone on for an absurdly long time. Took me an age to write as well. Next time I’ll be reviewing something a little less dense, a little less sprawling, and something a little more self-contained. Please feel free to comment, leave your feedback, or just stop by to say hello and tip your hat to a lady. If you have a hat to tip of course. Whatever. Either way, comments are greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoyed this nerd/ragegasm disguised a review.

Until next time, my darklings.

Thingtoocoolforyou

Video: EA, Bioware, and the Pissy Homophobic Backlash

Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews (Coming Soon)

This is a quick update to any of the misguided people (whom I love with the intensity of a million rainbows) that actively choose to read my blog.

I’m going to devote one blog post a week to a review of some sort. These reviews aren’t going to be current releases, but retrospectives based on my vast, vast collection of nerdy/awesome crap. It might be a review of a book or a movie or a game or maybe even an album if I’m feeling particularly saucy.  It could literally be ANYTHING. So long as it’s something I own. And I own many, many things.

This is me, but with considerably better breasts.

Given my hideously active social life, there probably won’t be a set day of the week in which I do this. Thursdays tend to be my ‘quiet day’, but I CAN MAKE NO PROMISES. This is what I get for having friends and hobbies and shit.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it. I’m calling it Thingtoocoolforyou’s Reviews because it rhymes and I’m childishly happy with the convenience of that. I will also be  keeping the first review a super special secret for next week, because I want it to be a surprise. Not because I don’t actually know what I’m going to review yet. Honestly.

Of Manginas and MRAs

The MRA’s and I don’t get on.

In my short time on Youtube I’ve had the pleasure of encountering one MRA (which stands for Men’s Rights Activist, in case you were wondering) that was a pleasant, fair-minded individual. My understanding is that there are a few more like this gentlemen around, but I have yet to encounter them. All the rest have been absolutely bat-shit loco. In fact it’s worse than that. They’re bat-shit loco with an audience and a platform on which to spew their views. Of course, because the internet is overwhelmingly used by the menfolk, this means that they have a massive following of what seems to be insecure, adolescent boys that slavishly agree with every disgusting, misogynistic thing they have to say about women. They don’t like me because I’m a woman with the sheer gall to go on the internet and talk about being a woman. They really fucking hate that, I can tell you.

In fact, I don’t like to call them MRAs to begin with. Why? Because most of them don’t actively do anything in order to aid men’s rights. I, as a sex positive feminist (a movement that they refuse to acknowledge despite the fact that it supports them in many ways) have done more to help men’s rights then they ever will. They couldn’t care less about other men, they just hate Feminism. Consequently, their general attitude is that men have always been oppressed more than women, that men’s sexuality is being repressed by Feminist propaganda, that men are put upon and defenceless and treated oh so terribly by the mean, man-hating wymn. Some of them don’t believe that rape exists, others think it’s acceptable to use violence to keep your wife or girlfriend in check. Us women are all gold digging whores that have forgotten how to be ‘real women.’ I could go on, but you get the picture. If you want to see this for yourself, then check out the website ‘A Voice For Men,’ an upsetting testament to misplaced anger and stupidity. You’ll get everything you could possibly want from that. Basically, there’s a lot of complaining and precious little action. You know for a fact that they wouldn’t dare say half of the shit they say were it not for the anonymity of the internet. They’d never say any of these things to a woman’s face. They’re too cowardly for that.

Now, I happen to think that there are men’s rights issues that aren’t currently addressed. Society’s casual attitude to the genital mutilation known as circumcision for example, or the bias towards women in the divorce court. These are important topics that should be discussed, and most of us sex positive feminists will gladly support that.  One of the terms that the more vocal MRAs like to bandy about is ‘Mangina.’ This delightful little moniker is in reference to men that either self-identify as feminist -because such things do happen; my boyfriend is one – or just have the crazy notion that women shouldn’t be treated like crap for the crime of being in posession of feminine genitalia. Men like this are decried as ‘traitors to masculinity,’ ‘white knights’ and ‘pussies.’ Essentially, to treat women like equals is to be less of a man, and are subject to scrutiny and derision. They think that men such as this are cowed, whipped, pathetic. In reality, I’d say that these ‘Manginas’ are far more manly than these hate-filled basement dwellers.

Call me crazy, but that attitude doesn’t seem particularly supportive of men, does it? This is another reason I’m hesitant to refer to them as MRAs. They claim to be in support of men, but only men that support their very specific, vitriolic view of mascuilinity, femininity and gender roles. I personally don’t agree with radical Feminists. Radical Feminists and MRAs have way more in common than both parties would care to admit. They’re incredibly vocal about their dislike of the opposite gender, they advocate antisocial and sometimes violent behaviour to justify their politics, and, most importantly, they seek to oppress women. Yeah, I went there. Most radfems are anti-porn, anti-sex work and, surprisingly, against cis-gendered people. Their worldview, like the MRAs, is incredibly narrow and restrictive. Women should be women and men should be men. One gender must be superior to the other. The dynamics between men and women are black and white. End of story.

Well, I call bullshit. I’ve long held the belief that gender roles mean absolutely nothing in today’s society. Back when gender roles did have some meaning, what did it actually achieve? Men were expected to keep their emotions thoroughly repressed. Men were expected to bring home the money. Men were expected to have control over the women in their lives. Women were expected to stay at home. Women were expected to be fragile and helpless. Women were expected to be mothers. Now, men and women are closer to being the people they actually want to be. If a man wants to be a stay at home father, he can be. There might be a few raised eyebrows, unfortunately, but the fact of the matter is that men now have that option. Women too, can work. Women can be whatever they want to be. There are still problems with the system, sure. Maternity leave and Paternity leave is still massively disproportionate in the UK, as I imagine it is all across the world, and the general attitude is that it should be the woman who gives up her job to look after the baby. From this, prejudices about hiring women still exist in the workplace. Women are still a liability, but we’re in a better position then we were fifty years ago, and with luck it will continue to get better.

But I’ll tell you something. These options wouldn’t exist without Feminism. Regardless of what you think of it as a movement, this is a fact that can’t be ignored. One of the more prominent MRAs on Youtube (I won’t name him. I’ve already had a lot of threats from these morons involving my autonomy and I don’t want to give them more fire) is a stay at home dad. Will he acknowledge that he’s in this privileged position because of Feminism? Of course he won’t, because that would harm his ‘argument’ wouldn’t it? But you know how it is. Whenever any kind of human rights movement emerges, a counter movement will inevitable rise against it. Black Pride was met with White Pride, Gay Pride with Heterosexual Pride, and Feminism gets Men’s Rights Activism. It’s the way of the world. Perceived threats will be met with resistance.

What we have in this case is a group of men who are angry because it’s not the fifties anymore. They’re angry because women are in control of their own lives and all they know is what their own fathers have taught them. They feel that their gender defines them. They’re so lacking in a personality of their own that their masculinity is the only identity that they have. This is precisely what I mean when I say that gender roles are dangerous. These men grow up with certain expectations about women. They think that women should be a certain way because they’re women, not because they’re people. So, when they actually meet a woman and she inevitably doesn’t meet their unreasonable expectations, they become bitter and resentful. Maybe they had a difficult relationship with their mother, maybe they had a bad divorce. Either way, something happened in their lives for this attitude to manifest, and really, it’s very, very sad.

When it comes to relations between the sexes, we absolutely can’t allow this ‘us versus them’ attitude to prevail. We’re all members of the human race, right? We may not be the same, but it doesn’t mean we’re not equal. I’m not defined by my gender. I’d be the same person if I’d been born male. I refuse to be labelled a money grabbing whore because I’m a female. That shit will not fly with me. I hate that decent men are being tarred with the same brush as these fuckwits. I hate that these people think it’s acceptable to threaten a woman with rape for disagreeing with them. I hate that for some people, viewing women as equal is a weakness. It’s not. It’s a strength, and one to be celebrated at that. I don’t want to spend my life irrationally hating 50% of the world’s population. People are complex. We don’t fit into neat little boxes, though I’m sure the MRAs and the radfems wish we did.

We’re human first, men and women second. We need to grow the fuck up and stop worrying about things that never existed to begin with. Gender is a construct. It’s pliable. We can change it if we really want.

http://www.avoiceformen.com/ (This website is so laughably depressing.)